Frogs Read online

  790 market to change it, but what he put in my mouth was three fish scales.75 I just stood there and let him do it, thinking they were obols. Ugh, they smelt foul! I had to spit them out, but then I went for him.

  BDELYCLEON And what did he say?

  PHILOCLEON He laughed and said, ‘You’ve got a stomach like a cockerel: I bet you’d digest the silver pretty quickly, anyway.’

  BDELYCLEON You see how much you stand to gain by all this.

  PHILOCLEON A lot, I agree. All right, do what you will.

  BDELYCLEON Wait here, then, while I fetch the things.

  [BDELYCLEON goes into the house.]

  PHILOCLEON It seems the oracles are coming true. I’d always

  800 heard that one day the Athenians would judge cases in their own homes; and that every man would have a tiny lawcourt in front of his house, like the little shrines of Hecate we have on our porches.76

  [BDELYCLEON returns with several SLAVES carrying tables, benches, kitchen utensils and other equipment, including a cockerel in a wooden cage. When the domestic ‘courtroom’ has been arranged to BDELYCLEON’s satisfaction the SLAVES leave.]

  BDELYCLEON There, what more could you want? I’ve brought you everything as promised, and a lot more. Here’s a potty for you: let’s hang it up here on the peg. Then it won’t be far away when you need it.

  810PHILOCLEON Now that’s what I call a handy arrangement: just what an old man needs.

  BDELYCLEON Right, here’s your fire [he puts down a brazier], and I’ve put a bowl of soup on to keep hot, in case you get hungry.

  PHILOCLEON That’s a good idea: now I can get my pay even if I’ve got a temperature – just stay where I am and sip my soup. But what’s the bird for?

  BDELYCLEON To wake you up, of course, in case someone makes a long speech for the defence and you nod off in the middle of it.

  PHILOCLEON It all seems fine, except for one thing.

  BDELYCLEON What’s that?

  PHILOCLEON No shrine of Lycus.

  820BDELYCLEON Yes, there is [pointing to the stage altar]. And here’s the hero in person [motioning one of the slaves to pose as a statue on the altar].

  PHILOCLEON O hero Lycus, I didn’t see you there!

  BDELYCLEON He’s as visible as Cleonymus to me!

  PHILOCLEON He’s lacking his equipment, I’ll grant you that.77

  BDELYCLEON Now, the sooner you sit down, the sooner we

  can call the first case.

  PHILOCLEON [sitting down] I’ve been sitting down for ages. Call away, I’m ready.

  BDELYCLEON Well now, what’s the first case going to be? Has anyone in the house been misbehaving lately? Let’s see – Thratta78 burnt the soup yesterday.

  830PHILOCLEON Wait a minute! What are you playing at? You can’t call a prisoner if you haven’t got a bar to call them to! That’s the most sacred thing of all.

  BDELYCLEON You’re right, we’ve forgotten that.

  PHILOCLEON I’ll run inside and get one right away. [He leaps to his feet and runs into the house.]

  BDELYCLEON Now what’s he up to? Dreadful the way some people get homesick!

  [Scuffling and shouting is heard from the kitchen, and a flustered XANTHIAS emerges, brandishing a kitchen knife.]

  XANTHIAS To hell with you! I don’t know why we keep him!

  BDELYCLEON What’s the matter?

  XANTHIAS It’s that mutt Labes. He came flying into the kitchen, then snapped up a fresh piece of Sicilian cheese, and wolfed the lot.79

  BDELYCLEON That’ll do nicely for the old man’s first case.

  840 You’ll have to attend as prosecutor.

  XANTHIAS Actually, sir, our other dog has expressed a desire to open for the prosecution, if the case comes to court.

  BDELYCLEON Very well then, bring them both here.

  XANTHIAS Right, sir.

  [He goes in. Meanwhile PHILOCLEON comes back out dragging a large wooden pig-pen with him.]

  BDELYCLEON And what, may I ask, is that?

  PHILOCLEON The pig-pen from our inner sanctum.

  BDELYCLEON Isn’t that sacrilege?

  PHILOCLEON [setting it up and taking his seat behind it] Nothing like starting from scratch,80 I always say. Well, let’s get on with it: I’m in the mood for fining.

  BDELYCLEON Wait a second while I go and get the notice-boards and charge-sheets. [He goes into the house.]

  PHILOCLEON You’re driving me mad with all these delays. My

  850 nails are itching to furrow the wax once more.

  [BDELYCLEON returns with two wooden dishes, which he hangs up as notice-boards, and a bundle of documents. He sits at a table.]

  BDELYCLEON There you are.

  PHILOCLEON Call on the case.

  BDELYCLEON Right. [In an official tone] Who appears before the court?

  PHILOCLEON [to himself] Damn, what a fool I am! I forgot the urns. [He gets up again.]

  BDELYCLEON Where are you off to now?

  PHILOCLEON To fetch the urns.

  BDELYCLEON [picking up two large ladles and placing them on the table] No need. That’s what I brought these ladles for.

  PHILOCLEON [resuming his seat] Splendid! Now we really have got all we need. Hang on, we don’t have a water-clock.

  BDELYCLEON [pointing to the potty] What do you think that is?

  PHILOCLEON You really have thought of everything – and using local resources too.

  860BDELYCLEON [calling out] Someone bring me a taper. And we’ll need some myrtle and incense. We must offer a prayer to the gods before we begin.

  [One slave brings out a taper, incense and a libation cup; another brings myrtle wreaths, which he places on the heads of all present.]

  CHORUS

  We trust that by means

  Of these prayers and oblations

  The seal may be set

  On your friendly relations;

  And since you’ve decided

  To cease being foemen,

  We’ll gladly pronounce

  A few words of good omen.

  BDELYCLEON First let there be silence.

  [PHILOCLEON and the SLAVES stand silent as BDELYCLEON pours the libation and burns incense before the shrine of Apollo in the porch.81 The CHORUS then chant their prayer.]

  CHORUS

  870 Phoebus Apollo, grant that the transactions

  Soon to take place here, on your very doorstep,

  May to your servants, lately saved from error,

  Prove beneficial.

  BDELYCLEON

  Master and neighbour, watcher of my doorway,

  Deign to accept the rites I now perform,

  Newly devised, sketched out and made to measure

  For my old father.

  Teach him to change his harsh and bitter nature,

  Soften his heart, and give over his sourness:

  Mix with his gall a tiny drop of honey,

  Just as a sweetener.

  Oh, may he lose his nettle-sting of anger,

  880 Look upon men with eyes more sympathetic,

  So that his tears may flow for the defendant –

  Not the accuser!

  CHORUS

  Hear, hear! And now we’ll sing an ode to start this novel session:

  The chairman’s opening words have made an excellent impression.

  He seems to treat the People with a deep consideration

  890 Not often found in members of the younger generation.

  BDELYCLEON [calling out as Court Officer] All jurors take their places in the courtroom! No admittance after proceedings have begun.

  [The TWO DOGS, as plaintiff and defendant respectively, make their entry, the latter escorted by two slaves in their capacity as guards.]

  PHILOCLEON Which is the defendant?

  BDELYCLEON [pointing to LABES] This one.

  PHILOCLEON Ha, wait till he hears the sentence!

  BDELYCLEON Attention, please, for the indictment. Prosecution initiated by The Dog of Cydathenaeum against Labes
of Aexone,82 on the grounds that the said Labes did wilfully and feloniously wrong and injure the one Sicilian cheese by eating it all himself. Penalty proposed: a figwood collar.83

  PHILOCLEON No, no! Death – if he’s convicted.

  BDELYCLEON The defendant, Labes, stands before the court.

  [LABES is led forward.]

  900PHILOCLEON The filthy scum! Look at his furtive look! Trying to get round me with a cheeky grin. Where’s the plaintiff, The Dog from Cydathenaeum?

  [The DOG leaps forward fawningly. PHILOCLEON strokes him.]

  FIRST DOG BOW-WOW!

  BDELYCLEON [interpreting] Present!

  PHILOCLEON This one’s another Labes, good at barking and licking his bowl clean!

  BDELYCLEON Silence in court! Be seated! [To the DOG] Proceed with the charge.

  PHILOCLEON [ladling out some soup] I think I’ll have some soup while this is going on.

  FIRST DOG [taking the prosecutor’s ‘stand’, an upturned pot] Gentlemen of the jury, you have heard the terms of the indictment filed by me against the defendant. He has committed the most atrocious offences, not only against me, but

  910 against every sailor in the fleet, namely by running away into a corner, siciliating84 a large quantity of cheese and stuffing himself with it under cover of darkness.

  PHILOCLEON The case is beyond doubt. A moment ago he belched in my general direction. The malodour of cheese was unmistakable. Disgusting creature!

  FIRST DOG When I asked for a share, he refused point blank. I put it to you, gentlemen, how can anyone claim to be serving your interests if I, The Dog, am not given my proper share?

  PHILOCLEON I, the public, wasn’t given my share either. It seems he’s hot-tempered and fiery – a bit like this soup!

  BDELYCLEON Now, father, I beg you, don’t decide against him before you’ve heard both sides.

  920PHILOCLEON My dear boy, the thing’s as plain as a pikestaff. It screams out at you.

  FIRST DOG [at the top of his voice] Don’t you dare acquit him, do you hear? This man is the most confirmed wolf-it-all-yourself-merchant in the history of houndkind. He even cruised round the whole island gnawing plaster off the cities.85

  PHILOCLEON And here I am without enough plaster to mend my potty.

  FIRST DOG He must be punished for this. There’s no room for two thieves in one patch. I don’t see why I should go on

  930 barking in vain. So convict him, or else you’ll not get another yap out of me.

  PHILOCLEON Good god! What a lot of crimes you’ve accused him of. He’s an utterly thieving piece of work! [He turns to the cock] Isn’t he, my old rooster? Look, he’s winking – he agrees. Officer! Where’s the man got to? I want my potty!

  BDELYCLEON Get it yourself. I have to call the witnesses.

  [PHILOCLEON gets the potty and relieves himself.]

  Witnesses for the defendant’s character, come forward!

  [As their names are called, the WITNESSES file out of the house and take up their positions at the defendant’s side.]

  Citizen Bowl! Citizen Pestle! Citizen Cheese-Grater! Citizen

  Brazier! Mistress Pot! And the rest of you burnt utensils! [To

  940PHILOCLEON] Have you still not finished pissing?

  PHILOCLEON [resuming his seat and pointing at LABES] I think I’ll have someone shitting themselves in a minute.

  BDELYCLEON Must you always be so harsh and implacable with the poor fellows who are in the dock? You’re always sticking the knife in. [To LABES] Prisoner, stand up and make your defence!

  [LABES mounts the ‘stand’, another upturned pot, but remains tongue-tied.]

  BDELYCLEON Why don’t you speak? Get on with it?

  PHILOCLEON He doesn’t seem to have anything to say.

  BDELYCLEON Thucydides had the same problem at his trial:86 a case of sudden paralysis of the jaw. [To LABES] All right, stand down: I’ll conduct the defence myself. [He takes LABES’ place on the ‘stand’.]

  950 Gentlemen. Ahem… It is a difficult undertaking to reply on behalf of a slandered dog, I shall proceed all the same. Er… He is a good dog. He chases away the wolves.

  PHILOCLEON You mean he’s a thief and a conspirator.

  BDELYCLEON Not at all. He’s the finest dog alive. Capable of guarding any number of sheep.

  PHILOCLEON What’s the good of that, if he wolfs all the cheese himself?

  BDELYCLEON Why, he fights for you and guards the house. What’s more, he’s a noble creature in every way. What if he did filch something? Can’t you overlook it? After all, he was never taught to play the harp.87

  960PHILOCLEON Personally I’d rather he hadn’t been taught to read and write. Then he wouldn’t have known how to fiddle the books.

  BDELYCLEON Sir, will you please listen to my witnesses? Citizen Cheese-Grater, will you come up and testify? And speak up.

  [CHEESE-GRATER steps forward.]

  You were serving as a quartermaster, I understand?

  [CHEESE-GRATER nods.]

  And was what you grated for the troops?

  [CHEESE-GRATER nods again.]

  He says it was.

  PHILOCLEON He’s lying!

  [CHEESE-GRATER and other witnesses leave the ‘court’. BDELYCLEON wraps up in emotive tones for the defence.]

  BDELYCLEON Kind sir, have pity on a creature in distress. This dog, Labes, slaves away tirelessly, feeding on giblets and

  970 fish-bones, always on active service. His opponent, meanwhile, stays at home as a mere watchdog, although he still demands his share of anything that’s brought in. And takes a bite, if he’s not given it.

  PHILOCLEON Good god, what’s happening to me? I feel myself softening! Something must be wrong – I’m being won over!88

  BDELYCLEON Come, father, I implore you, have pity on him, don’t send him to his downfall. Where are his children?

  [A slave goes into the house and returns with a family of puppies.89]

  Poor creatures, come up here and plead. Entreat him, pray to him, with tears and whimpers.

  [The PUPPIES crowd round BDELYCLEON’s feet and whine piteously.]

  PHILOCLEON [reduced to tears] Enough, enough! Step down, step down!

  980BDELYCLEON All right. Though many a man has heard those words in the past and been deceived, nevertheless, I will step down.

  [BDELYCLEON stands down and the PUPPIES leave.]

  PHILOCLEON It’s this damned soup. I knew it was a mistake. I’d never have started weeping like that if I hadn’t been bloated with soup.

  BDELYCLEON You’re going to acquit him, then?

  PHILOCLEON [hardening] It’s hard to say.

  BDELYCLEON Come on, daddy dearest, now’s your chance to turn over a new leaf. Take this pebble, shut your eyes, rush straight over to that second urn and acquit him.

  PHILOCLEON No! I was never taught to play the harp either.

  990BDELYCLEON Come on, then. I’ll take you round the quick way.

  [PHILOCLEON, still clouded by tears and confusion, allows BDELYCLEON to help him over towards the urns, BDELYCLEON takes his father’s arm and leads him via a circuitous route so as to reach the acquittal urn first.]

  PHILOCLEON Is this the first urn?

  BDELYCLEON It is.

  PHILOCLEON In she goes.

  [He drops the pebble into the urn and BDELYCLEON helps him back into his seat.]

  BDELYCLEON [aside] Foiled! He’s acquitted him unwittingly. [To the SLAVES] Let’s empty them out now.

  PHILOCLEON Well, how did it go?90

  BDELYCLEON We shall see in a minute.

  [With an air of officialdom the SLAVES present the contents of the ‘urns’ to BDELYCLEON, and retire.]

  Labes, you are… acquitted!

  [PHILOCLEON collapses, BDELYCLEON rushes across to him.]

  Father, father! What’s the matter? Someone, bring some water – quick! Lift yourself up.

  PHILOCLEON Just tell me this, was he really acquitted?

  BDELYCLEON He was.
>
  PHILOCLEON Then I am no more!91

  BDELYCLEON Don’t take it to heart. Sit up.

  PHILOCLEON How can I bear to live on after this? Now that

  1000 I’ve let an accused man escape? You gods, forgive me, I was not myself! I didn’t mean to do what I just did.92

  BDELYCLEON Look, there’s nothing to get upset about. From now on I’m going to look after you properly. I’ll take you out to all kinds of places, we’ll go out to dinners and drinking parties, and you’ll have a really good time – with no Hyperbolus93 to trick you and laugh at you behind your back. Let’s go in.

  PHILOCLEON [resignedly] All right, if you say so.

  [BDELYCLEON leads his father into the house. Meanwhile the SLAVES clear away the ‘courtroom’ paraphernalia and leave the CHORUS alone onstage.]

  CHORUS-LEADER In you go, then, and good luck to you.

  CHORUS

  1010 Now, you countless tens of thousands,

  Seated on the benches round,

  Do not let our pearls of wisdom

  Fall unheeded on the ground.

  Not that you would be so stupid,

  So devoid of common sense –

  What it is to have enlightened

  People in the audience!

  [The CHORUS-LEADER comes forward and addresses the audience.]

  CHORUS-LEADER

  Now once again, spectators, if you like

  To hear plain speaking, pay attention, please!

  The author has a bone to pick with you

  For treating him unfairly when, he says,

  You’ve had so many splendid things from him.

  Not always openly: in earlier days94

  A number of his jokes came from the lips

  Of other poets, while he lurked unseen,

  1020 Speaking through them, like a ventriloquist;

  Till finally one day he ventured forth,

  Driving a team of Muses of his own,

  And won great honour, such as none before

  Had been accorded. Yet he did not rest

  Upon his laurels with inflated pride,

  Or flounce around the wrestling schools, like some

  Successful poets we have known, nor yet

  Would he consent to prostitute the Muse

  And hold some feeble stripling up to scorn

  To satisfy a jealous lover’s whim.

  Indeed, when he first staged a play himself

  He didn’t bother to attack mere men.

  Disdaining such small fry, our Heracles